


Ghost

by ssapphire



Category: GOT7
Genre: Acceptance, Agony, Anger, Depression, Despair, Desperation, Five Stages of Grief, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Heartache, Longing, Love, M/M, Pain, Personal Growth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 04:08:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9582959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssapphire/pseuds/ssapphire
Summary: I'm lost. I'm alone. I'm angry. And I'm cold. What would happen if I just disappeared? What would happen if I floated away like dust? Would I be happy then?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Teen rating is really for language...have fun.

It was gray. It was dull. It was freezing. Mark held a piping hot cup of coffee to his lips and shoved his free hand deep into his pocket to allow himself some relief from the cold. His jacket was fully buttoned and he donned a scarf that could’ve been wrapped around three people. His beanie was pulled all the way down over his ears. It was only obvious that there was a person inside this ensemble by the rising steam that was currently blurring Mark’s vision. He growled low in his throat. It had been a rough month for him. Recent events had him questioning his decision to up and move to Korea. He wasn’t even sure why he moved in the first place. He couldn't find a job anymore (this was the third job he had lost due to negligence), his money was running out (there were still bills to pay), and he missed his family.

"Fuck." The coffee he had walked 15 minutes to get had been wasted on the ground. He slunk to the ground and watched the dark liquid make its way down the sidewalk and into the sewer where he belonged. He buried his face deeper into his jacket and sulked. He wanted to follow that coffee down the drain. He had no reason to be here or anywhere for that matter. _I just want to die, dammit_. This was the only thought on his mind lately.

"Sorry, man." Mark glanced up to see another blurred face holding out his hand for Mark to take. His smile was small and sincere. His eyes were too earnest. Mark looked away.

Mark refused his hand. It made him uncomfortable to see the man’s eyes so clearly.

"I can buy you another coffee it's the least I can do..." The man rubbed the back of his neck as he looked at Mark with a guilt ridden face.

Once again Mark refused. He wanted to waste away and rot like the trash he kept forgetting to take out week after week. Mark was pretty sure his landlord was gonna kick him out for that… He shook away the thought.

"Jeez, man. Let me help you out. Please." He clapped his hands together in earnest. Mark looked up at him and the man grinned.

"Just let me sulk, alright?"

"No thanks. I'd rather buy you another coffee instead. I know that cup, you walked a long way to get it." The mystery man eyed the abandoned cup and the stream of coffee running down the sidewalk. The scene was familiar except instead of coffee it was tears streaming down a forlorn face. The man winced, but returned his attention to Mark.

"No." Mark was firm in his answer. The mystery man frowned and started to walk away. Good riddance, Mark thought to himself. He resumed his earlier position of hiding within his layers of clothing. Mark closed his eyes and let the cold sting the exposed parts of his face. _I shouldn’t be here, why the hell am I here? What am I doing with my life? Why am I so pathetic?_ Mark could feel tears forming in his eyes and heat started to rise to his face. _Dammit, I’m so pathetic._

"So what exactly do you look for in someone?"

"What??" Mark’s body quickly forgot it wanted to cry and instead went into a state of mild shock. Mark wiped his eyes and peeked over his scarf. The blurred man had reappeared in his line of sight and was far too close to him. "What kind of absurd question is that??"

"Well I'm assuming if I was your type we'd be halfway to getting you some coffee right now." He moved in closer.

Mark scowled. _What the hell is wrong with this guy??_

"So what’s your type?" By now he was almost nose to nose with Mark. The sullen young man was thoroughly uncomfortable, but mystery man didn’t seem to notice or he just didn’t care.

"I don't have one." Mark was no longer facing the man, but that didn't stop the other from staying in his personal space. Mark grumbled under his breath. This man was relentless.

Mark decided to sneak a peek at the man to see that his eyes were clearly trained on him. He seriously wanted to know. This feeling felt vaguely familiar, but he disregarded it. This kind of scene could’ve been from a drama where the girl has just gone through some sort of tragedy and her “knight in shining armor” comes to save her and all is magically right with the world. Mark rolled his eyes.

"Fine. I want someone--"

"Ah, wait wait wait! Get up so we can get coffee too!"

Mark relented once more. He brushed himself off and stood beside the nosy man. The man simply smiled and motioned for them to start walking towards the coffee shop. As soon as they started walking he motioned for Mark to continue with his ideal type.

"Ok, I want someone who makes me want to be with them. Someone who'll travel with me or try new things with me and if they don't like it, that's fine. I want someone who actually cares about me. Someone who invests time into getting to know me. Someone who'll love me for who I am and of course I would do the same. But there’s no one like that for me..."

Mark sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets. He lowered his head embarrassed he actually said all that to some stranger. When the mystery man didn’t answer Mark kept his head low. He didn’t bother to check if he was still there or not, he wanted to be alone. He grumbled to himself once again before making his way to the nearest park to drown in his sorrows, preferably under a big tree with a book and a depressed look on his face for dramatic effect. He got his wish except instead of a book he had oxtail soup.

“I only love you for your broth. Know this, soup.”

“You’re weird, man.”

Mark nearly choked on his broth. He narrowed his eyes at the man. “Where the hell have you been?”

“I’ve been with you this entire time, you just didn’t notice.”

Mark’s expression turned skeptical. There was no way he had been with him this entire time. He didn’t remember hearing his footsteps, breathing, nothing. Hell, he didn’t even remember seeing his shadow or reflection in the passing windows. _Am I that consumed in my own pitiful thoughts?_ He turned his attention to the blur once again. He looked pleased with himself, a clear smirk danced on his lips as he reclined against the trunk of the tree with one leg outstretched. He replaced the smirk with a playful smile. He looked so modelesque; Mark wanted to punch him.

“Like what you see?” He wiggled his eyebrows in a playful manner. Mark didn’t laugh. “Oh, come on! That was funny. Work with me here.”

“Why the hell are you still here anyway? Better yet, why didn’t you pay for my soup?”

“Really? That’s the better question? You don’t wanna ask me _anything_ else?”

“Honestly, I don’t care about anything else. I don’t care who you are or where you’re from or anything about you.”

“Harsh…”

Mark slurped down his broth while the modelesque stalker watched. Mark’s brows furrowed deeper and deeper when he realized this guy really wasn’t going to leave him alone. His quiet slurping turned into obnoxious gulping in the hopes of driving him away. Of course it didn’t work. The man’s stare was intent, he observed everything Mark did and it was unnerving.

“What if I said I cared about you?”

Mark almost choked again. “Why the hell are you so weird!? Where did you even come from?”

“I thought you didn’t care where I came from?”

Mark scoffed. “I don’t.”

They slipped back into an uncomfortable silence or rather it was uncomfortable for Mark, the other man was completely content. Mark finished his broth and most of the meat. He threw the cup away and sprawled out on his back halfway between the shade and sun.

 _When had the sun come out? When did it get warmer?_ He shrugged his jacket off and bathed himself in sunlight. The other man smiled.

“What's the smile for?” Mark faced the stranger.

“You seem more at ease than earlier so I'm happy.”

“You don't even know me.”

“Do you really need to know someone to be happy for them? You looked like you were going to fall apart and now you’re smiling. So, I’m happy.”

Mark didn't reply. His eyes were closed once more. He didn't think. He didn't worry. He didn't care. He simply was. The sun beat down on his face and the wind kissed his cheeks. It felt like autumn, but moments ago it felt like a Siberian winter. He could feel the other man looking at him, probably still smiling at him. This man was strange yet familiar, but mostly strange.

He opened his eyes and the man was now sitting beside him. He didn't even make a sound.

“Did you float over here or what?”

He grinned, “No, just light on my feet.”

Mark shook his head. He let out a deep breath, “So, what’s your name?”

“Jackson.”

Mark looked at the still blurry man, but saw his clear, bright smile through the fog. He was ecstatic Mark had asked for his name, there was no denying it.

“I had a friend named Jackson. You guys are a lot alike actually.”

“Had?”

“Yea...had.” Mark’s face visibly darkened. Jackson shifted uncomfortably.

The chill from before felt harsh now and sunk right into Mark’s bones. The sky was back to a foggy gray. The trees no longer danced in the wind, but seemed more like they were fighting one another for dominance. The residents were no longer outlined in a fog, but seemed to disappear like ash in the wind. Mark went numb. Nondescript images of what he knew to be Jackson invaded every corner of his mind. His laugh was garbled, his voice sound like gravel, and his eyes were cold. Mark knew this wasn’t the Jackson he knew, but it was the only Jackson he could see.

Without a word, the despondent young man gathered his jackets and scarves and slunk back to his apartment. A cheerful, yet broken smile graced the other Jackson’s lips as he slowly faded into the bleakness that had become Mark’s world. His ashes scattered into the wind along with the other residents of Korea as another crack formed in the already shattered world of Mark Tuan.


	2. Chapter 2

Mark’s small frame was sprawled out over the whole of his bed entangled in his comforter. His limbs were numb and his head felt heavy. It felt as if it had been hit with a blunt object. Over. And over. And over again. He made a vain attempt at lifting his hand to see how far the fog had spread. Once he realized that wouldn’t work he trained his eyes on a dark spot on the ceiling. It started to blend in with the gray of the ceiling almost immediately. Mark wondered if he was actually in an artist’s piece of work. He remembered in art class how they had to draw a self portrait in pencil and blend it all together. Mark had fucked up miserably. The entire piece looked like one big black, white, and gray smudge. Needless to say he failed. That’s what the world looked like to him lately; his failed attempt at making art.

Mark closed his eyes and let out a long, slow, deep breath. He wanted to expel everything inside himself. He repeated the process until he felt lightheaded. Mark slowly opened his eyes resuming his previous activity of staring at the blurred world. He let his head roll to the side out of sheer laziness hoping to maybe catch a glimpse of color through his window.

_What the fuck…?_

Well, what he saw was definitely colorful. The man from yesterday was beaming at him from the fire escape. Mark groaned to himself. His almost platinum blond hair was a shock to Mark’s system. _Was his hair always this blond?_ The young man pondered that as Jackson grew impatient.

“So are you gonna let me in or what?” Mark rolled his eyes in the man’s direction. It seemed like he was glowing yet nothing else shone quite like he did. Mark wondered if the sun was out...why hadn’t he noticed it before? Jackson disturbed his thoughts with a curt, “Let me in, dammit.”

“It’s not locked. Let yourself in.” Mark wanted to become one with his bed and no one was going to ruin that.

Jackson frowned before stating that letting himself into another person’s house was rude and undignified. Mark rolled his eyes once again as if climbing through someone's window was so much better, but relented for the man. The entangled young man drug himself out of bed with more difficulty than he thought possible. His feet hit the floor with an audible thud that sounded like giant sandbags. Mark side eyed Jackson to see a look of concern forming on his face. He wondered if Jackson would come to help him. The stranger didn’t seem worried enough to move from his spot on the windowsill though. Mark noticed the look of concern was wiped from his face instead replaced with something akin to discomfort. Mark imagined his face looked the same trying to take the five steps needed to open that damn window.

By the time the young man reached the window he felt ready to cry. The familiar sting of tears began to form in his eyes. Jackson sat on the other side his face scrunched up in pain. Neither man made eye contact. Mark silently opened the window before collapsing onto the floor leaning his fatigued body on the wall. Jackson glided into the room as elegant as ever. He assumed a position on the floor next to the haggard young man. Neither spoke for what seemed like an eternity.

Jackson broke the silence.

“Where have been these past few days?” He didn’t look at Mark. The blond didn’t see the look of confusion wash over him as he thought about the question.

“You saw me yesterday, stalker.”

Jackson turned to face him shaking his head. His lips tightened into a hard line as tears collected along the rim of his eyes. Mark didn’t react. He was certain he had just seen this absurd man yesterday. The two sat in silence for another minute before Mark finally asked the question he didn’t want the answer to.

“When did you see me last?”

“Two weeks ago.”

“A few days ago was quite the understatement then, stalker.” Jackson cracked a small smile. “Stop smiling.”

“No.” The smile on Jackson’s face grew a little more. Mark narrowed his eyes at the man. “I’ve missed the sass.” The smile on Jackson’s lips grew wider until his show stopping grin had fully taken over his face. Mark couldn’t help but crack a smile too. His stalker had quite the infectious smile. “And stop calling me stalker!”

“But that’s what you are. How else would you know where I lived?”

Jackson noted how apathetically Mark posed the question. He was wholly unconcerned. The blond man frowned, but quickly fixed his face. He held one finger pointed towards Mark’s cheek as if to poke him and asked as cutely as he could if Mark really didn’t remember being escorted home by Jackson the first day they met. Mark frowned. He honestly didn’t remember Jackson being there. The bright young man frowned once more unhappy with the other’s response. Silence once again engulfed the room.

The young men sat in each other’s presence. Mark radiated a heavy gloom that threatened to choke Jackson who tried to fight back with an overwhelming amount of hope and love. They were at a stalemate. Jackson wanted so bad to know what Mark was thinking, if he even realized the energy he was putting into the world. Or was he in a world of his own now?

“Tell me about it.”

Mark glanced at Jackson curiously, his expression asking what Jackson meant. The other man’s eyes bore into Mark causing him to shift awkwardly. Jackson didn’t let up.

“What world are you living in right now, Mark?”

Jackson watched as Mark mulled over the question. His expression remained blank, but his eyes darted around as if he had actually gone into panic.

“Who am I in your world, Mark? Please tell me.”

Mark stopped. He turned to face Jackson. “Why is your hair so bright?”

“What?” Jackson scrunched his face at him.

“Your hair. It’s so bright. _You_ are obnoxiously bright, still unclear, but bright. _You_ are the brightest thing in my world.” He looked away from Jackson, his angelic glow giving Mark a headache. “Why is that?”

It was Jackson’s turn to mull the question over. Mark didn’t let him ponder too long though before asking another question.

“And how do you know my name? I'm sure I never told you that.”

Mark trained his eyes on Jackson trying to read his expression. Jackson had put on his poker face unsure of how to answer the question Mark posed to him. Once again they were at a stalemate with each other, neither willing to yield. Mark wanted answers and Jackson couldn’t give them. He wouldn’t give them, not with Mark’s curiosity piqued. The blond noted the renewed life in Mark’s eyes, the color in his cheeks, the way his movements were more fluid, not forced.

Jackson could only smile. His smile was the only feature of the man Mark could see clearly. Staring at the man was doing him no good.

“Can I ask a question first?”

“No.”

“ _Please_ , Mark!”

“Just go ahead.” Mark waved his hand in submission. Jackson grinned as he scooted closer to Mark just barely close enough to touch.

“So I _am_ your type, huh??” Mark scowled. “Hear me out! You said yourself I was the brightest thing in your life! That’s mean you like me, huh? Right? Right?!”

Mark frowned ready to deck this man in the face, but opted not to. Instead a small, broken chuckle escaped his lips startling the both of them. Mark choked back the laugh and went straight into a coughing fit. He reached for his hurting throat only to laugh more at his own reaction to laughing. Jackson clapped like a seal and laughed too. He threw his head back and laughed harder.

Mark cleared his throat which was now burning after that short laughing episode. Jackson finished wiping the tears from his eyes and smile once more at Mark who threw him a questioning look.

“Why are you like this?” Mark looked at the stranger on his floor and truly wanted to know. This man he met supposedly two weeks ago who makes him smile and see color. He wanted to know how Jackson could do such a thing. He wanted to know how this happy go lucky blond was able to make him even a little happier. He wanted to know how this man shone so bright, it wasn’t hard in Mark’s world for something to be brighter than gray, but this man radiated something different.

He stared hard at Jackson who refused to come into focus. Jackson stared back with a look of concern Mark couldn’t see. Jackson’s mouth moved, Mark could see that much, but nothing was coming out. His mouth kept moving, kept mouthing out something that didn’t quite reach his ears. Something important, maybe? Mark squinted and attempted to read the form’s lips. His head hurt. There was something he was missing, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“Mark...can you hear me? Mark!” Jackson’s voice faded out as he watched Mark’s eyes lose focus. He was losing him. He could no longer see Jackson. The blond man’s presence had begun to disappear from Mark’s gray world. Jackson could only imagine what the young man saw or rather what he didn’t see.

Jackson was desperately trying to find a way to reconnect. He failed. Mark’s eyes were back to looking lifeless. He looked ghoulish to Jackson. A shiver ran down his spine as he visibly shook from the image before him. Mark didn’t notice as Jackson faded to gray. He held himself as he let out a scream of agony. Tears began to stream down his face. He screamed, shouted, and begged; all in vain. Mark was no longer aware of his presence. Jackson begged not to lose Mark to the darkness in his own mind. He begged and pleaded for more time. He had to save his best friend. He had to…

Jackson looked down at his arms and hands; they began to crack and scatter around the room. He panicked. Last time his body instantly turned to ash and blew away in the wind. This time his visit took a bigger toll on Mark. He had broken the young man more this time. He smiled to himself; this was progress.

His color faded to the dingy gray he loathed. He watched himself crumble and let out one more shout in vain. Mark was still staring at Jackson yet completely unaware of what was unfolding before him. Jackson reached out the stump that used to be his hand before it completely crumbled away into dust. Mark curled into himself, pulled his knees into his chest and buried his face in his lap, his head still turned towards Jackson. His eyes were cold and distant, his body stiff and unmoving; heavy like a sack of sand. Jackson cried for his fallen friend.

“Please! Mark! Let me back in! Please!” Jackson’s shrill cry fell on deaf ears as he faded out.


	3. Chapter 3

Jackson had huddled himself in the corner of Mark’s bedroom. The bags under his eyes were dark and heavy. He had been watching the other man for the past few days. At the moment Mark was pacing around the room biting his nails, a habit Mark himself found disgusting. The other days he hadn’t moved much so this was an improvement although Jackson had hoped for a less anxious action. Jackson let out a deep breath that made him feel like he was sinking. He thought deep breaths were supposed to relax a person. Shaking his head he looked down and noticed his butt had actually sunk through the floor. He sighed. It was getting harder and harder to maintain his form when Mark was upset like this.

The blond eyed Mark carefully. There wasn't a thing Jackson could do until the other man calmed himself down. Rage was hard to fight through, Mark would only see what he wanted. Jackson wondered what the world looked like to him now. Was it red? Or was it still bleak like Mark had hinted at?

The dejected man watched the nervous wreck pace for what seemed like hours. The brunette slowly became more and more agitated. He began picking at the skin around his nails which led to bleeding. He didn’t seem to notice the blood and ran his fingers through his hair bringing out small chunks. That went unnoticed as well. Jackson pulled himself in even harder trying his best to comfort himself since he couldn’t comfort Mark.

Jackson couldn’t remember a time Mark had been this messed up. He thought back to the six years they’d known each other and could only remember that high pitched laugh and stoic exterior.

Jackson let himself sulk a while longer only to be pulled back to reality by Mark’s grumbling. At first he couldn’t understand what Mark was saying. The grumbling was low and rapid like Mark knew Jackson was eavesdropping.

There were snippets that piqued Jackson’s interest, namely comments about himself. The comments ranged from bitter curses to soft musings. Mark cursed Jackson in the same breath he reminisced about the time they stole a wheel of cheese and got chased for six blocks because Jackson was an idiot. Jackson listened and laughed, but soon sunk into himself even more after realizing he was the direct cause of Mark’s most recent pain. His showing up made Mark remember something, that was obvious, but Jackson couldn’t do anything to soothe his friend like he usually did. He wanted Mark to remember so he could learn to cope, but the anger was reverting what he had worked so hard for. The guilt slowly bit away at his already unstable form.

Jackson prepared himself for a complete disintegration until Mark settled onto the floor next to him still unaware of the blond’s presence. The nail biting, skin picking, and hair pulling had ceased. The brunette slowly turned to face Jackson with sad eyes. He closed them and took a deep breath to steady himself. Jackson watched him breath in and out seven times before he finally opened his eyes and spoke.

“Why are you doing this to me, Jackson?” Mark was looking through Jackson who tried to catch the other man’s gaze. Mark averted his eyes to focus on his bloodied fingers. “I haven’t done this since the first time you ended up in the hospital, Jackson. Do you remember that?”

Mark continued to study his fingers as Jackson reached out for them, but to no avail. His hand passed right through Mark’s. His tears flowed heavy for his friend who recounted his first of many visits to the hospital for Jackson.

Mark remembered the hospital smelled like garlic because Jackson thought it would be funny to rally a team of inpatients together to put garlic cloves in the vents. He almost cried seeing Jackson hooked up to so many machines who only smiled and said he looked like a deformed octopus. Mark hit him in the chest and Jackson doubled over in pain which made Mark actually cry. Jackson apologized for his poor taste in jokes which led to more abuse from Mark. He remembered smiling more than he felt like he should looking at his now ghost like friend whose roots desperately needed attention. Jackson whined about that for sure. Mark remembered leaving the hospital only to break down on his bedroom floor. He didn’t leave for three days completely certain these hospital visits would become more and more common.

Mark continued to mumble to himself as he recounted the many visits. Jackson could feel his form shifting once again, readying itself to disappear for who knew how long this time. The blond shook his head and slammed his fist on the floor. It didn’t satisfy him seeing as how his fist went through it.

“Dammit. I can’t leave him like this.”

Mark stopped at the sound of Jackson’s voice. “Jackson?”

Jackson froze. That wasn’t right. Mark shouldn’t be able to hear him, yet there he was staring right into Jackson’s eyes, an unbelieving smile forming on his lips. Jackson responded with a wary smile of his own.

“Jackson...are you here?”

“...Yes?” Mark rolled his eyes.

“Why are you responding with a question? Either you’re here or you’re not, idiot.” Ah, the sass.

“Well technically yes, but your mood is messing with my form. Maybe if you pulled yourself together you could see me, jerk.”

Mark’s face contorted into anger, confusion, and finally amusement. He let out a small laugh that caused Jackson to laugh as well. Their laughs faded out as a choking sob escaped Mark’s lips. Alarms went off in Jackson’s head as he tried to figure out what was wrong this time. Mark didn’t speak. He continued to let out sob after sob remembering the day he realized Jackson would no longer be with him.

It was the middle of the night when he got the call. It woke him and his siblings up. They had decided to camp out in the living room to have a movie night to get Mark’s mind off of Jackson just for a little bit. He answered the phone and listened. There was a long pause before Mark hung up. His oldest sister was first to speak asking who it was and what they wanted. Mark said matter of factly that Jackson was dead. His siblings stared at him and each other before his brother asked him to repeat himself. Mark calmly restated his comment. Then again. And again. Each time with more bitterness and anger. Finally, he let out a very deep, pained wail.

In the blink of an eye his mom and dad were by his side pulling him into a warm embrace trying their hardest to calm their son down. His siblings moved to gather his belongings to make one last trip to the hospital. Everything was a blur to him. He couldn’t hear his siblings, feel his parent’s loving embrace, or speak. Nothing meant anything to him anymore. He was numb. The only thing he could feel was his chest tightening with every heavy sob and breath he took. His throat was constricting and his head felt like it could just float away.

He didn’t remember getting to the hospital. Hell, he didn’t even remember the funeral. After that night his life became meaningless to him. Jackson was his rock, his motivation, his everything. Jackson brought out the best in Mark that Mark himself didn’t realize was there. He was still trying to learn how to bring it out on his own before Jackson left him.

Mark didn’t feel anger or remorse, simply empty. He knew he was better than this. He knew he shouldn’t depend on someone like this, but Jackson was the only one who listened to him over everybody else. His family tried, but his voice was typically background noise to their lively chatter. Jackson always heard it and urged him to keep speaking because he wanted to know Mark’s thoughts. Jackson made Mark feel like he mattered.

Jackson eyed Mark with worry for the man hadn’t moved for quite some time. Mark finally returned his attention to Jackson’s general vicinity. His face was haggard, his eyes were sunk heavily into his face and held little life in them.

“Please, just let me be with you, Jackson. Please. I’ll do anything to escape this hell.” He sniffed and buried his face in his hands. “I know there’s nothing that can bring you back, but I can join you. Please.”

The last please broke Jackson. Literally. He felt his body shatter. His vision formed a crack that resembled a broken mirror. It reminded him of the mirror Mark smashed when he had lost his temper. He searched for Mark from his now frozen state. The young man had collapsed into himself, a broken mess on the floor. Begging for mercy. Begging for this to end. Begging for death. Jackson’s last breath streamed out his mouth small and writhe like a snake.

“I’m sorry, Mark.”


	4. Chapter 4

“I bet I could stuff this entire pizza into my mouth!” Jackson had already begun rolling the pizza up with a wide grin on his face.

Mark rolled his eyes at him. “That’s a fool’s bet.”

Jackson did it anyway. Mark laughed when Jackson ended up choking and spitting the soggy mess out all over the deck. Some even landed in the pool.

“You’re cleaning that up, you nasty little man.”

Jackson nodded and laughed with broom and scoop already in his hand. Mark made himself comfortable as he suggested more things that Jackson could do. Jackson had cleaned half the backyard before he realized what Mark was doing. Mark howled with laughter as Jackson landed on top of him, his knees digging into the older boy’s stomach.

Mark begged for mercy. Both men were in tears from laughing so hard. Jackson handed Mark a drink before settling down next to him. They clinked their bottles together before taking a swig.

“I love a nice hard coke after a long day's work.” Jackson side eyed Mark who started laughing again.

“In my defense, I thought you knew what I was doing. Seriously." Jackson shook his head in slight disappointment. They finished their drinks in silence. “I think it’d feel so amazing to be in love with someone, ya know?”

Jackson sputtered at the sudden topic. Mark stretched his legs out and reclined back on his elbows. His eyes trailed the night sky. Jackson stared into his friend’s awestruck eyes.

“Just anyone?” A small smile formed on Mark’s lips at Jackson’s question.

“No, I mean someone who’s there for you. I mean a real genuine love, like waking up earlier than them just to watch them sleep...in a non creepy way. Or picking up their favorite candy at the store. Or getting home and wrapping that special person in your arms.” He turned to face his best friend. “Don’t you think that’d be amazing?”

Jackson smiled. He nodded in agreement. They sat in comfortable silence.

“I can be your temporary special person.” Jackson leaned in and whispered. Mark could hear the amusement in his voice.

“Oh, shut up.” Mark pulled his scarf over his face.  He shrugged the blond's arm off of his.

Jackson let out one big hearty laugh.

That was the first dream Mark had that he could recall in quite some time. Mark lie on his kitchen floor staring up at the ceiling for the umpteenth time. He couldn’t recall why he was on the kitchen floor. He shrugged it off assuming he rolled off the couch again.

The young man rolled his head to the side to  stare at his now ringing phone. It sounded foreign to him. When was the last time his phone actually rang? The caller ID said it was his sister, but that didn’t seem right. He hasn’t talked to his family in ages. Why was that? Were they mad at him? Or was he mad at them? He couldn’t quite remember.

He answered.

“You answered?!? You... _answered_?! Oh my gawd, guys he answered!!”

Mark heard shuffling from the other end. He could make out his parent’s voices and his two other siblings. They put him on speaker. He did the same only because he didn’t have the energy to hold the phone.

The clamoring on the other side went on for quite some time; Mark smiled just a little bit. His sister told him to hold on they wanted a video chat. He grunted in response so she took it as a yes. Seconds later he was face to face with his family as he lie on his kitchen floor. Eager expressions plastered on their faces. They waited for Mark to say something, he could tell that much. So he said the first thing that came to mind.

“Have you tried calling me before?”

The eagerness replaced with expressions that told him “yes, they tried calling”. His family barked at him to check his voicemails, texts, and emails. They’d been trying any way they could to talk to him for months they said. Mark hadn’t realized he’d been AWOL for months...it didn’t feel that long. Scrolling through his messages he saw they weren’t lying. He had hundreds of messages from each of them. No one spoke as they waited for Mark to finish. Mark’s eyes began to fill with tears.

“You really called me…” Soft tears flowed down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry...I’m so, so sorry.”

His family cried with him. The anger and sadness he had been holding in because of them washed away. His tears turned into heavy sobs as he folded into himself. He could no longer hear them, but he knew they were there for him and that was all that mattered; in that moment at least.

Between his heavy sobs he choked out a stream of apologies while his family did their best to console him. They weren’t angry they said, they were only worried about him and hoped he had found what he was looking for.

“What?” Mark choked out. “What was I looking for?”

His dad spoke. “Your note said you wanted to find answers. You wanted to find Jackson one more time.”

Mark looked puzzled. “What does that even mean!? Find Jackson one more time!? He died! You let me leave with that as my reason? Are you all insane?!” He spat out each question earning laughter from his family.

“Mark, you’re an idiot.” His brother had taken over the screen. “First of all, you left without us knowing. And second, we figured it was more of a soul searching experience. You and Jackson were so close we assumed you wanted to find out who you really were. Without him.”

His brother scrunched his face. “Where are you anyway?”

“South Korea.”

It was their turn to look puzzled. They asked how he managed to get there. He wasn’t sure himself. According to his family he had been here longer than he thought. His life has been a blur. Mark rolled onto his side and came face to face with a smiling Jackson. He smiled back with the phone between them.

Mark and his family talked a while longer as Jackson watched. He smiled knowing that Mark was feeling better. He wanted to reach out and stroke his cheek like he used to do. Mark never knew about it though. That tender action was reserved for a sleeping Mark only.

Jackson reached out to Mark to take the phone. Mark shot him a questioning glance, but handed him the phone nonetheless. As expected the phone fell to the ground with a dull thud.

“That’s too bad.”

Mark picked up the phone and placed it to Jackson’s ear. His family was wondering why he was showing them the kitchen floor.

“What are you doing?”

Mark shrugged hoping that something amazing would’ve happened. 

“Sorry, dropped the phone.”

His family smiled and they talked some before they hung up saying Mark needed his rest. They were relieved to finally get in contact with him and hoped they'd be able to see him soon.

He nodded to himself and Jackson. He would get better to see them. He would get better to continue living his life. He would do his best to cope with the death of his best friend. He had for his sake and theirs.

“Thank you, Jackson."

“We’re not done yet. We still have a long way to go.” He smiled one clear smile. Mark could now make out the features of his face, but only close up. This realization made him smile more.

“You really are my best friend.”

“Thanks, Sherlock. We all knew that. Now it’s time to for these long awaited baby steps to get you back to the usual Mark Tuan.”

“Sounds good to me, man. Lead the way.”

Jackson shot up so fast he almost went through the roof. Mark rolled himself over into a push-up position and got himself up. This was going to be much harder than it looked, but knowing he had support took a large weight off of his shoulders.

“Ok, first thing’s first. You need a shower! Oh my goodness you reek! Then we need to get you a haircut and you definitely need a shave! Oh and after that--”

Mark followed behind somewhat tuning Jackson out.  Jackson rattled off what Mark needed to do for some good old fashioned self care.

“Actually, I think you need a job. Let’s go!”

With that Jackson reached for Mark’s laptop to have his hands go right through it. He frowned and used his otherworldly powers to make Mark do his bidding.

“Stop blowing cold air on me, dammit! You don’t have otherworldly powers!”

Jackson swatted him, or at least attempted to, as Mark continued the search. He finally landed on a job opening in a dog cafe. No experience was required. He applied. A few hours later he received an email about scheduling an interview. 

"They must be desperate."

"Or they think you're pretty."

Mark and Jackson turned to each other. "Probably both." They spoke in unison. 

"Well, it seems I have an interview tomorrow morning. What could possibly go wrong?"

"A lot...."

"Shut the fuck up."

Jackson grinned from ear to ear. "You know you love me."

 _That's the problem, isn't it?_ Mark thought to himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry....I moved. I was busy. I forgot I was in the middle of a story...Enjoy!
> 
> Maybe? I hope so... Yea!


	5. Chapter 5

Mark wasn't prepared for this. He should've taken more time to get himself together. That feeling of dread was back and heavier than ever. It took every fiber of Jackson’s ghostly being to get Mark out of bed. 

The young man whined the entire time. He said he'd rather become one with the bed than go back to work. Jackson tried to remind him his co worker seemed so eager to meet him. Mark wasn’t eager, but more willing to try to get his life back in order. He was tired of being tired all the time. He hoped, no, he  _ wanted _ this to help him.  

Mark opened the door to the cafe and was immediately hounded not by the dogs, but by Youngjae himself. 

“Hey! How are you?? Is this your first time working at a dog cafe?? Wow you’re even prettier in person! I’m sorry, that was weird. Meet Coco!” Youngjae thrust a small white dog into Mark’s arms. 

Youngjae grinned. Mark offered a weak smile in return allowing Youngjae to pull him along for a tour of the cafe. He could barely keep up with Youngjae and Coco, but somehow he managed to make it through his first day unscathed. 

He’d never be bored here he decided. Mark inhaled one deep breath before plastering a fake smile on his face. He listened to everything Youngjae had to say and even warmed up to Coco. 

Mark sighed. It had been a few months since he started his new job and he was exhausted to say the least. His head hurt, his hands ached, his feet were too big for shoes, and he had bite marks all over his arms from some rowdy customers. 

“You’d think people would be decent enough not to bite. The dogs know better, why don’t they?”

Jackson shrugged holding back a smile as he literally hovered over Mark’s ragged body. 

“Maybe it’s a love bite.”

“If I could knock you down, I would.” 

Jackson chuckled before floating above the bed beside Mark. “At least you’re happier lately. Youngjae must be a great coworker.”

“Yea, he is. He talks a lot and he smiles just as much so it’s good to be around him. Between you and him I think I actually feel happier.” Mark had finally somewhat accepted Jackson’s death. He still hadn’t admitted how he felt about Jackson though. 

“What else?” Jackson closed the gap between him and Mark. 

“What?” Mark shifted under Jackson’s gaze. 

“You’re brooding. Fix your face.” 

Mark aimed a pillow at Jackson’s head. It landed at the foot of his bed. They looked at each other and Mark shrugged. “Worth a shot.”

Jackson rolled his eyes. “What else is happening? Has he invited you out again? He likes taking you around.” Mark stiffened. “Where’s he taking you guys this weekend?”

“He wants me to go to karaoke with him, JB, and Jinyoung after work tomorrow.”

Jackson shook with laughter. Mark groaned. “You can’t sing!!”

Mark groaned again. “No shit. I don’t want to go!”

“Oh, you’re going.” 

“Hell no! I’ll drink, I’ll eat, hell I even went clubbing, but I refuse to sing!”

A mischievous grin appeared on Jackson’s face. “Over my dead body!”

“You’re already dead! What do you mean?!”

“I’ll die twice to hear you sing again.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Mark pulled the blanket over his face. 

“It’ll be fun~~” 

Mark lunged for Jackson out of habit. Jackson didn’t even dodge as he howled with laughter. He watched Mark plow through him to land on the floor with a thud. 

“Old habits die hard I see.”

“Will you  _ please _ stop!”

Jackson shrugged. “I guess my death was hard. Literally and figuratively.”

Mark looked at Jackson from the foot of his bed; his eyes barely peeking over the mattress. The men held eye contact as Mark’s eyes filled with tears. Jackson’s eyes were filled with remorse and even guilt. They continued in that way for a while reflecting on their last moments together as friends. Mark could only remember up to the phone call he got that night. 

Jackson on the other hand remembered the merciless pain that coursed through his body. He remembered internally begging for death. He wanted that escape. He knew he wouldn’t survive; he just wanted to be free. Everyone asked if he was afraid to die and truth be told he wasn’t. Through the fake smiles and hearty laughs he was harboring so much indescribable pain. 

Of course, he couldn’t say that though. He couldn’t tell them he wanted the sweet bliss he knew death would bring. He couldn’t tell them their son, their best friend, their classmate wanted to die. He couldn’t tell his parents. He couldn’t tell Mark. But he told himself every day it was the best choice. He had wished everyday that he could be relieved. 

He finally got his wish one evening. He remembered feeling himself slipping through the fingers of life to embrace death in his final resting place. He remembered his last thought being about Mark. He remembered asking in a moment of panic to reach out one last time when he suddenly remembered how fragile Mark was. He remembered his wish being granted, but roaming for too long unknown and unseen by the very man he wanted to help. He remembered all of it. 

Tears began to form in Jackson’s eyes as well as he continued to recall what Mark went through alone. Neither man broke the silence, but instead wept silently to themselves finally coming to terms with what happened. Realizing how much the other meant to them. 

“You’re still an ugly crier, Jackson.” Mark spoke between sniffles. 

“Says the one with snot on his chin.” Jackson laughed as he dabbed his eyes. Mark grabbed some tissue and automatically handed one to Jackson. 

He took it. 

Jackson looked down. He rubbed the tissue between his fingers. 

He really took it.

Mark looked down next. He felt Jackson pull the tissue away. 

He actually took it. 

Neither man said a word as Jackson carefully held the tissue in his hand. He brought it to his eyes and dabbed. His tears were being absorbed. His tears were being absorbed! Jackson shrieked as he wiggled his butt on Mark’s sheets.

“Wow, when was the last time you did laundry? Have you ever heard of fabric softener?”

“ _ That’s _ what you’re amazed by?? Jackson! You’re touching my bed! You’re holding the tissue! What happened??”

Jackson stammered. He wasn’t sure exactly. Mark threw more things at Jackson including the pillow from earlier. Each and every item hit Jackson square in the face. Finally Mark decided to try one last thing. He threw himself onto his best friend. 

Mark squeezed Jackson as tight as he could afraid his friend would suddenly fade. Their shoulders relaxed and their breathing slowed. Neither one realized how tense they had been earlier and this honestly should have freaked them out more than it did. However, they didn’t care. They had wanted to hug each other for so long now, but obviously couldn’t. 

Jackson sniffled and Mark laughed again. Neither one spoke for fear of ruining the moment. Markk shoved Jackson off the bed.

“That was for earlier.” He responded to Jackson’s dumbfounded face. 

“Two can play this game!” Jackson leapt up and tackled Mark to the ground who could only laugh. “I’ve missed you.”

“Me too.” Mark reached over to pull Jackson closer. The two lie on the floor smiling like the idiots they were, just admiring one another. 

Mark reached out to smooth out Jackson’s hair while Jackson caressed his cheek. They sat like that for a while. Neither one said what they were thinking, but it was very apparent to them both. They could feel one another’s love. Both let out a low breath. Jackson’s was white as snow. 

They knew what that meant. Mark continued to fix Jackson’s hair until his fingers slipped through thin air. Jackson caressed Mark’s cheek until his fingers could no longer feel his flesh. Silent tears streamed down both of their faces, but still neither said a word. Soon Jackson was a ghost of his former self and he smiled at Mark. He let out one last wisp of breath that danced on Mark’s ear. He slowly disappeared as his “I love you” filled the room around him. Mark whispered “I love you too” and smiled back at Jackson. 

Mark didn’t succumb to the darkness of his mind this time. He had started to understand what it meant to lose someone. Losing them did not mean the end of their lives. Their memories lived on in the hearts and minds of the living. Their laughter can still fill a room if you think back hard enough. Their touch is still ingrained on your skin. Their smell still teases you from time to time when you’ve walked into their favorite cafe or washed your clothes with their detergent. You can see them anywhere in anything that brings you joy. Just because they are gone does not mean they are forgotten. Their memory lives on in those that knew them. It is up to the living to keep their deceased loved ones alive. 

Mark smiled as Jackson slowly disappeared. Hard times were coming, that he knew. But now he had his family to support him, he had a new job with new friends, and he had Jackson’s love once more. Mark was determined to keep the color in his life. He wanted to see the world as it was. He wanted to make more good memories with everyone around him. He wanted that so Jackson wouldn’t have to worry or watch over him. He had to continue living so Jackson wouldn’t worry. He had to continue living so he could face his family again. He had to continue living for himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That took longer than I expected to update, but to be honest I didn't like any ending I came up with. I hope you all enjoyed this as this was my first multi-chapter story that I completed! On here anyway! Um...yea I hope I didn't offend anyone with how I handled Mark's remorse in this. I haven't actually experienced a death and honestly took these feelings and emotions from my family and friends around me. I added some parts that resembled how I think I would react, but honestly I have no idea what I would actually do in this situation.


End file.
